I've grown tired of being unproductive; it's not me and I've struggled to find the self-discipline to just let things be. Often times when I'm just sitting I give a thought or two to my spine; I imagine it hard at work, fusing itself. That's a big job I imagine. (So perhaps I am being productive after all.)
But regardless of what work my spine is doing, I've been aching to do something, anything. So yesterday I made rice - tons of it. And I washed grapes, and boiled eggs, and I even made some pumpkin cookies. Things that I can do that don't require much other than standing.
I also gave some thought to how things were before surgery - 2 weeks ago. It's funny really, because despite the crippling pain, I never felt like it was too much to handle. I never felt overwhelmed. I didn't feel sorry for myself. But then I remembered the video Donald took of me as they rolled me off to surgery (click here) - I cannot remember that moment in time. They had already given me some drugs and I was getting really loopy.
In that brief clip I say, "this has been the hardest experience of my life..."
It's interesting to hear myself say that because I have no recollection of that moment. And...even though the past few months were no picnic, I never ever thought of it as being such a trying experience. But it's on video - and I did say it. And come to think of it, it was hard. It was really, really hard.
And when I think back to how hard it all was, and how grateful I am to be whole again [or at least on the path to being so], I realize that I can be content just washing grapes, and waiting, and healing.
